Before I go on with my review, there are spoilers so if you’re planning on reading it, avert your eyes!!!
I wasn’t planning on reading this book series since it’s been considered “mommy porn” and I don’t usually like reading over sexual things when I’m single and depressed about my single life because it makes me more depressed. But since I’m getting it on the somewhat regular these days, and not depressed, I thought it would be the perfect time to indulge. It’s also a perfect summer read while tanning in the park.
The book starts off with 21 year old virgin Anastasia Steele, getting ready to go interview Christian Grey, a 27 year old super hot billionaire or something who owns his own company. Anastasia is filling in for her room mate, Kate, because Kate has fallen ill and couldn’t do the interview for the University Newspaper.
Grey is young, good looking, and obvs super rich which means he’s super arrogant and full of himself. Poor Anastasia didn’t do any research about the guy and has no idea who he is, and just had a list of questions from Kate to ask. After making a bit of a fool or herself at the interview (Asking him if he was gay) she finds herself unable to stop thinking about him. And for the first time in her life, get’s all wet about a guy.
Apparently he’s just as taken with her as she is with him, because he kinda becomes a stalker. He show’s up at her work place (hardware store) being all sexy and seductive like. And then offers to do a photo shoot for the newspaper article being written about him.
After the photo shoot he asks her to go for coffee. Her room mate is all like “Um yeah he’s super hot but I dunno, he seems dangerous if you’re not back soon imma send a swat team after you”. So obvi she goes out for coffee with him, and all they do is have boring small talk about their families. As he’s walking her back to her car Ana has a near death experience almost getting run over by cyclist, and of course Mr. Grey rescues her and she realizes at that point that she must have him and is madly in love with him (surprise, surprise). But before she even says anything hes all like “I’m not a good guy for you, stay away”. And she then cries in her car then entire way home. Life sucks.
Mr. Greys’ stalker tendencies continue when he sends her a first edition copy of some crazy old english literature book (Tess or something? I dunno…) worth something over $14,000 with some cryptic quote from said book. She’s all like what does this mean? Is he telling me to stay away from him? But then why did he send this stupid expensive book? And how does he know where I live? (see Stalker…).
Cut to a crazy friday night were Ana and her friends get crunk on Margaritas after finishing finals. This is the first time Ana gets drunk in her life (what is with this chick?), and decides to drunk dial Mr. Grey from the club bathroom demanding an explanation about what the book meant. He’s all like where are you? are you drunk? tell me where you are I’m coming to get you. Controlling much.
I used to drunk dial my ex-bf from club bathrooms all the time and all he would do is tell me to get off the phone and talk to him when I’m sober. What an asshole.
She does not tell him where she is, and then proceeds to get incredibly drunk. Ana goes outside for air and guess whose there waiting for her? Mr. Grey of course! Apparently he tracked down her location from her cell phone. What the fuck is up with this dude?? She then proceeds to puke everywhere, and then black out. Story of my life.
Apparently this did not turn him off though since she woke up in his hotel room. Wearing a t-shirt and panties. Nice Mr. Grey sent her puke splattered jeans to get dry-cleaned and also sent his driver out to buy her new pants, shoes, lingerie, and a new shirt! Why doesn’t this happen to me when I puke all over my going out clothes?
So now things get interesting, finally- he says that he can not have any type of relationship with her unless she like, signs contracts of some sort. Tres Romantique. She is extremely confused by this, as anyone would be. And he asks her if she would like to go over to his place tonight. She agrees.
He picks her up from work, and helicopters them from whatever shit town she lives in (Vancouver, Washington or something) to Seattle. So here they are, he makes her sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement, saying that she can not tell anyone at all about the details of their relationship or anything about him, she obvi signs it. She’s ready to lose her virginity guys! So after signing the NDA, she’s ready to do this!
Ana: Okay so can we make love now?
Mr. Grey: I don’t make love. I Fuck…. Hard.
Ana is obviously scared and super turned on right now. So am I!
Mr. Grey: Let me show you my playroom.
Ana: Are we going to play Xbox? (not even lying, that’s actually what she says.. idiot)
Mr. Grey: Laughs, No Ana, there’s no playstation either.
So he takes her to his sex dungeon. Handcuffs, whips, straps and ropes hanging from the ceiling, everything you can think of. A huge bed in the middle of the room with no bedding. Just leather. Paddles. Riding crops. Feather dusters. Okay you get the point…
She doesn’t know what to think! Kate was right! He is dangerous! Mr. Grey is a monster! But she’s also kinda turned on by everything.
Ana: Do you do this to people? Or do people do this to you?
Mr. Grey: I do this to women.
Ana: Why?
Mr. Grey: Because it pleasures me.
So then there’s some other contract to sign.. rules of their relationship, and her life basically.
She must do everything he says, sexually. And if she doesn’t obey there will be punishment! Everything is in there.. from how much sleep she must get every night, to what clothes to wear, personal hygiene (she has to be completely hairless), has to go to the gym 4 times a week. She can’t smoke, do drugs, or drink or basically do anything fun ever. And she gets her own room! Where she is to stay from Friday-Sunday. She gets to decorate it however she wants you guys!
So after the sex dungeon and the sex contract. Now is the perfect time Ana decides to tell Mr. Grey she’s a virgin. He flips out obviously… He knew she was inexperienced but not like this! So he decides that before all this sex dungeon stuff happens, he’s gonna “make love” to her first. How sweet. She agrees…
And now for the most unrealistic losing-of-virginity scene ever.
Obviously he is super into her, she’s so beautiful!
Mr. Grey: I want to see how you pleasure yourself.
Ana: I don’t know what you mean…
Mr. Grey: How do you make yourself come?
Ana: I don’t know…. I never have.
Okay seriously, what the fuck is up with this chick? A 21 year old virgin, and she’s never masturbated? Do people like this actually exist in the world?
He then gives her a body-shattering orgasm, by simply sucking her nipple. Really? Does that happen? Really I want to know…
They then proceed to have hot sex. And they come in unison. Immediately after she’s ready to go again. He takes her from behind and she comes again.
First time having sex and she had THREE orgasms? One of which was from the nipple.
Okay.. really. LIke my first time, I was drunk. And it didn’t last long, not because it was a one-minute man but because I made him stop. There definitely were no orgasms involved. Do first times like this actually happen? If it has happened to you, please inbox me….
I really wish they didn’t make her be a virgin. I think it would have been a lot more interesting if she had a series of disappointing men, and this was her sexual awakening. The whole “let’s make love first” kinda ruined things a little. It would have been way more romantic if they had a crazy sex dungeon love affair, and then he realizes he’s in love with her and makes love in the end, Non? Making love is a lot more personal then fucking. This paragraph is speaking volumes about me, isn’t it.
Another problem I have- Mr. Grey gave Ana her own room because he apparently doesn’t sleep with his “lovers” and doesn’t sleep well with them. Yet on the first night, he lets her sleep in his bed and he sleeps wonderfully! Pretty odd for someone who has such strict rules with his relationships. Again, it would be better if their emotional relationship grew overtime rather then so immediately, but there’s just something about Ana and he doesn’t know what it is.. ppsshhtt.
So after a night of “love making” Mr. Grey and Ana discuss last night’s activities over breakfast. Ana talks about her soreness. Mr. Grey admits that he’s never had “Vanilla” sex before. Really? This implies that the first time he ever had sex was all crazy kinky like. How would you know that you’re into to that sort of thing without exploring the normal stuff first?
Now Mr. Grey is gonna start Ana’s “basic training”. First up- Oral lessons (since she’s so sore and all).
So they get in the bath together. After teasing her for a bit, he turns her around and make her look at his massive erection, saying how he wants her to get to know “my favourite part of my body” she takes note of this and gives her a lesson on handjobs. And blowjobs. which she is a natural at, obviously! She gets an A in oral skills, and gets rewarded with another orgasm! WEeeee!!!!
Oh we have a revelation! Ana asks him about the “vanilla sex” comment. Apparently his mom’s friend seduced him when he 15 and was her sex slave for 6 years. Ana was his first time having “normal” sex.
Basically after this point I lost total interest in the book. She spends the rest of the time trying to decide if she should sign the contract or not.. which contains rules that I would fail miserably at. Such as:
-Working out 4 days a week
-Eating what he tells you to
-Dressing how he wants
-Getting a minimum of 8 hours of sleep a night
Basically Ana falls in love with Christian who is a fucked up control freak and will only have sex with her in his sex room, and he falls in love with her because she’s not that special and doesn’t really have a personality.
What lacks for me is a strong female presence. Like she’s not even into this kinky sex stuff at all. Okay she kind of gets into it.. but he insists on “punishing” her whenever she “defies” him.. like when she doesn’t tell him that she had drinks with her friends, or that she’s going to visit her mom (What a bitch!), or when she rolls her eyes at him. He spanked her once so hard she cried herself to sleep. She’s only agreeing to all this because it’s the “only way to be with him”. Besides the fact that Christian Grey is super rich and hot, he has no redeeming qualities. He’s an ass, controlling, has no sense of humour, and is a mega stalker.
The book ends with her leaving him, because he said he HAD to punish her for I-forgot-why (and I literally just finished reading it), that he slapped her repeatedly on the ass with a belt that she realized she couldn’t love him the way he needs, and he can’t except love and blah blah blah.
Why do I have a feeling the relationship isn’t over since there’s 2 more books? I guess I have to read those now.. Ugh.
50 Shades was written as Twilight fan-fiction. Except I must admit- as horrible as Twilight is I actually enjoyed reading it more then I did this book. When I was reading Twilight I locked myself in my room for a month reading it. This book took me forever to finish
Do I recommend. I think it’s obvious that I do not.
xxxo
