Okay so like… I know I’m gonna sound like a complete psycho right now but I feel like I had to share my experience with you all that I had tonight..
Soo I’m walking home from the 7, and Feist’s “Undiscovered First” comes on my iPod. And that is like.. one of my main jams right now. If you haven’t heard it you must! So anyways, I’m just coming home from my sister’s packing party and I’m taking a bunch of her shit with me. And I don’t know what happens.. but it’s like everything is in it’s right place-I’m looking cute, it’s night time in the market on a Friday night which is one of my favourite Ottawa nights, I’m carrying 2 paintings, some pussywillow, and a ballet shoe box of crap (herllooo totally stuff Feist would be carrying), and I’m drunk. All of a sudden Feist embodies herself into me.
It’s like.. I am Feist and I am in the music video for Undiscovered first, the wind is blowing through my hair. I am no longer walking down St. Patrick, but in a snowy field somewhere, wearing fur and surrounded by talented musicians. It was beautiful!
Feist.. If you read this, we are soul sisters. Please contact me.
Then I got pulled out of my drunken vision quest when I almost got hit by a car…
Ottawa is a small town, that whole “six degrees of separation” really applies especially with people sleeping with eachother. I think I’ve slept with about a million people just by association.
This all came to light on Sunday at Mod Night, obviously since it’s the only hipster thing to do on Sunday’s they all flock to the same place. The thought process started with 2 specific guys, and I realized how many of friends from different social groups they slept with.
Lets start with Alex:
Alex has slept with Norah, and well as my friend from high school Kathleen, and a friend of a friend Jenn. (side note- Kathleen calls him “bad alex” because of how bad in bed he was)
Then there’s Neil LeDouche:
Had a “relationship” with my friend Rachel, hooked up with Joelle a few times, and had a fling with a friend of my sisters Shannon.
Doesn’t seem like a lot, but then I started thinking about all the people I know and who has slept with who. And one day I will make a chart ala Alice from “The L Word” because it’s just way too complicated to write down. If I ever figure out how to make a chart I will (if someone knows how I can do that, msg me!).
Another fun example: Norah hooked up with a guy on Saturday who is friends with like 2 other guys she’s hooked up with in the past.
Then there’s the elusive Ottawa heart breaker.. let’s call him Ryan McDougall. Who is associated with about 10 people I know and has tried to make out with me like 3 times. One day he will have his own post…
Just saying, when you sleep with someone in Ottawa, you’re probably hooking up with your best friend by association.
Besides the fact that I spend every waking moment I’m not at work on it…
So one romantic problem just gets replaced with another…
I’ve been seeing Marc for over a month. And he reminds almost every time we see each other that he doesn’t want a relationship, yes I know okay relax buddy! I think his last girlfriend really fucked him up, she does seem a little nutso.
I’m fine with just having fun, but if you say you don’t want to commit to me, it might a good idea to stop getting wasted and telling me how much you love me. Obviously I don’t take it seriously, but It’s starting to get confusing. I’m pretty sure I should stop meeting guys in bars because they all turn out to be alcoholics.
A few weeks ago I was having a great night! Marc came to a house party where actual friends of mine were, and we went bar hoping a little bit, and then we decided to leave, it was about 2.00am when we left Zaphods, we didn’t get back to his place until 4.00am… It took 2 hours because he didn’t know where he was going. We were walking back to his place and he took a wrong turn. Apparently he thought he lived on that Island on Old St.Patrick with the 2 old folks homes, I knew he was going the wrong way but I was too drunk to stop him and figured he knew where he was going (idiot). Once we were on that little Island I realized things were totally wrong..
Me: You don’t live here!
Marc: Yaya I live right over there! (points to some bushes and the Rideau River)
We ended up walking around this island for like an hour… I have no idea why. And the whole time he’s telling me how much he loves me but can’t be in a relationship, and how he’s hurt and blah blah blah.
Finally like a hour later he finally believes me that he doesn’t live in a retirement residence on an Island…
Fast forward a week later….
Friday night went to Babs for Joelle’s birthday, Marc was partying in the market. So on my way home I asked if he wanted to meet up, so he came over… If i knew how drunk he was I would have never let him in.
I ended up babysitting a 33 year old man until like 5.30 in the morning. Not my ideal way of spending a friday night. Along with the 40398 love confessions he made to me he thought it was a good idea to tell Norah details of our intimate relationship. Never have I ever been so mortified.
Then he starts crying because his life is apparently in the shits, and becomes dead weight on the couch as I try to lift him off. he didn’t leave my place until like 5.30 and it took a lot of convincing for him to actually get going.
Why is this my life?
He was very apologetic about it the next day though and kept telling me he was gonna make it up to me. Until about yesterday when he decided to ignore my texts. This is nice.
But really people.. if you don’t want to be with me, fine. But don’t tell me you love me! Even if you’re drunk. It gets confusing. But I’m not gonna make the same mistakes with Marc as I did with Mike.. I’m gonna stick up for myself and lay down the law of appropriate casual relationship behaviour.
Before I go on with my review, there are spoilers so if you’re planning on reading it, avert your eyes!!!
I wasn’t planning on reading this book series since it’s been considered “mommy porn” and I don’t usually like reading over sexual things when I’m single and depressed about my single life because it makes me more depressed. But since I’m getting it on the somewhat regular these days, and not depressed, I thought it would be the perfect time to indulge. It’s also a perfect summer read while tanning in the park.
The book starts off with 21 year old virgin Anastasia Steele, getting ready to go interview Christian Grey, a 27 year old super hot billionaire or something who owns his own company. Anastasia is filling in for her room mate, Kate, because Kate has fallen ill and couldn’t do the interview for the University Newspaper.
Grey is young, good looking, and obvs super rich which means he’s super arrogant and full of himself. Poor Anastasia didn’t do any research about the guy and has no idea who he is, and just had a list of questions from Kate to ask. After making a bit of a fool or herself at the interview (Asking him if he was gay) she finds herself unable to stop thinking about him. And for the first time in her life, get’s all wet about a guy.
Apparently he’s just as taken with her as she is with him, because he kinda becomes a stalker. He show’s up at her work place (hardware store) being all sexy and seductive like. And then offers to do a photo shoot for the newspaper article being written about him.
After the photo shoot he asks her to go for coffee. Her room mate is all like “Um yeah he’s super hot but I dunno, he seems dangerous if you’re not back soon imma send a swat team after you”. So obvi she goes out for coffee with him, and all they do is have boring small talk about their families. As he’s walking her back to her car Ana has a near death experience almost getting run over by cyclist, and of course Mr. Grey rescues her and she realizes at that point that she must have him and is madly in love with him (surprise, surprise). But before she even says anything hes all like “I’m not a good guy for you, stay away”. And she then cries in her car then entire way home. Life sucks.
Mr. Greys’ stalker tendencies continue when he sends her a first edition copy of some crazy old english literature book (Tess or something? I dunno…) worth something over $14,000 with some cryptic quote from said book. She’s all like what does this mean? Is he telling me to stay away from him? But then why did he send this stupid expensive book? And how does he know where I live? (see Stalker…).
Cut to a crazy friday night were Ana and her friends get crunk on Margaritas after finishing finals. This is the first time Ana gets drunk in her life (what is with this chick?), and decides to drunk dial Mr. Grey from the club bathroom demanding an explanation about what the book meant. He’s all like where are you? are you drunk? tell me where you are I’m coming to get you. Controlling much.
I used to drunk dial my ex-bf from club bathrooms all the time and all he would do is tell me to get off the phone and talk to him when I’m sober. What an asshole.
She does not tell him where she is, and then proceeds to get incredibly drunk. Ana goes outside for air and guess whose there waiting for her? Mr. Grey of course! Apparently he tracked down her location from her cell phone. What the fuck is up with this dude?? She then proceeds to puke everywhere, and then black out. Story of my life.
Apparently this did not turn him off though since she woke up in his hotel room. Wearing a t-shirt and panties. Nice Mr. Grey sent her puke splattered jeans to get dry-cleaned and also sent his driver out to buy her new pants, shoes, lingerie, and a new shirt! Why doesn’t this happen to me when I puke all over my going out clothes?
So now things get interesting, finally- he says that he can not have any type of relationship with her unless she like, signs contracts of some sort. Tres Romantique. She is extremely confused by this, as anyone would be. And he asks her if she would like to go over to his place tonight. She agrees.
He picks her up from work, and helicopters them from whatever shit town she lives in (Vancouver, Washington or something) to Seattle. So here they are, he makes her sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement, saying that she can not tell anyone at all about the details of their relationship or anything about him, she obvi signs it. She’s ready to lose her virginity guys! So after signing the NDA, she’s ready to do this!
Ana: Okay so can we make love now?
Mr. Grey: I don’t make love. I Fuck…. Hard.
Ana is obviously scared and super turned on right now. So am I!
Mr. Grey: Let me show you my playroom.
Ana: Are we going to play Xbox? (not even lying, that’s actually what she says.. idiot)
Mr. Grey: Laughs, No Ana, there’s no playstation either.
So he takes her to his sex dungeon. Handcuffs, whips, straps and ropes hanging from the ceiling, everything you can think of. A huge bed in the middle of the room with no bedding. Just leather. Paddles. Riding crops. Feather dusters. Okay you get the point…
She doesn’t know what to think! Kate was right! He is dangerous! Mr. Grey is a monster! But she’s also kinda turned on by everything.
Ana: Do you do this to people? Or do people do this to you?
Mr. Grey: I do this to women.
Mr. Grey: Because it pleasures me.
So then there’s some other contract to sign.. rules of their relationship, and her life basically.
She must do everything he says, sexually. And if she doesn’t obey there will be punishment! Everything is in there.. from how much sleep she must get every night, to what clothes to wear, personal hygiene (she has to be completely hairless), has to go to the gym 4 times a week. She can’t smoke, do drugs, or drink or basically do anything fun ever. And she gets her own room! Where she is to stay from Friday-Sunday. She gets to decorate it however she wants you guys!
So after the sex dungeon and the sex contract. Now is the perfect time Ana decides to tell Mr. Grey she’s a virgin. He flips out obviously… He knew she was inexperienced but not like this! So he decides that before all this sex dungeon stuff happens, he’s gonna “make love” to her first. How sweet. She agrees…
And now for the most unrealistic losing-of-virginity scene ever.
Obviously he is super into her, she’s so beautiful!
Mr. Grey: I want to see how you pleasure yourself.
Ana: I don’t know what you mean…
Mr. Grey: How do you make yourself come?
Ana: I don’t know…. I never have.
Okay seriously, what the fuck is up with this chick? A 21 year old virgin, and she’s never masturbated? Do people like this actually exist in the world?
He then gives her a body-shattering orgasm, by simply sucking her nipple. Really? Does that happen? Really I want to know…
They then proceed to have hot sex. And they come in unison. Immediately after she’s ready to go again. He takes her from behind and she comes again.
First time having sex and she had THREE orgasms? One of which was from the nipple.
Okay.. really. LIke my first time, I was drunk. And it didn’t last long, not because it was a one-minute man but because I made him stop. There definitely were no orgasms involved. Do first times like this actually happen? If it has happened to you, please inbox me….
I really wish they didn’t make her be a virgin. I think it would have been a lot more interesting if she had a series of disappointing men, and this was her sexual awakening. The whole “let’s make love first” kinda ruined things a little. It would have been way more romantic if they had a crazy sex dungeon love affair, and then he realizes he’s in love with her and makes love in the end, Non? Making love is a lot more personal then fucking. This paragraph is speaking volumes about me, isn’t it.
Another problem I have- Mr. Grey gave Ana her own room because he apparently doesn’t sleep with his “lovers” and doesn’t sleep well with them. Yet on the first night, he lets her sleep in his bed and he sleeps wonderfully! Pretty odd for someone who has such strict rules with his relationships. Again, it would be better if their emotional relationship grew overtime rather then so immediately, but there’s just something about Ana and he doesn’t know what it is.. ppsshhtt.
So after a night of “love making” Mr. Grey and Ana discuss last night’s activities over breakfast. Ana talks about her soreness. Mr. Grey admits that he’s never had “Vanilla” sex before. Really? This implies that the first time he ever had sex was all crazy kinky like. How would you know that you’re into to that sort of thing without exploring the normal stuff first?
Now Mr. Grey is gonna start Ana’s “basic training”. First up- Oral lessons (since she’s so sore and all).
So they get in the bath together. After teasing her for a bit, he turns her around and make her look at his massive erection, saying how he wants her to get to know “my favourite part of my body” she takes note of this and gives her a lesson on handjobs. And blowjobs. which she is a natural at, obviously! She gets an A in oral skills, and gets rewarded with another orgasm! WEeeee!!!!
Oh we have a revelation! Ana asks him about the “vanilla sex” comment. Apparently his mom’s friend seduced him when he 15 and was her sex slave for 6 years. Ana was his first time having “normal” sex.
Basically after this point I lost total interest in the book. She spends the rest of the time trying to decide if she should sign the contract or not.. which contains rules that I would fail miserably at. Such as:
-Working out 4 days a week
-Eating what he tells you to
-Dressing how he wants
-Getting a minimum of 8 hours of sleep a night
Basically Ana falls in love with Christian who is a fucked up control freak and will only have sex with her in his sex room, and he falls in love with her because she’s not that special and doesn’t really have a personality.
What lacks for me is a strong female presence. Like she’s not even into this kinky sex stuff at all. Okay she kind of gets into it.. but he insists on “punishing” her whenever she “defies” him.. like when she doesn’t tell him that she had drinks with her friends, or that she’s going to visit her mom (What a bitch!), or when she rolls her eyes at him. He spanked her once so hard she cried herself to sleep. She’s only agreeing to all this because it’s the “only way to be with him”. Besides the fact that Christian Grey is super rich and hot, he has no redeeming qualities. He’s an ass, controlling, has no sense of humour, and is a mega stalker.
The book ends with her leaving him, because he said he HAD to punish her for I-forgot-why (and I literally just finished reading it), that he slapped her repeatedly on the ass with a belt that she realized she couldn’t love him the way he needs, and he can’t except love and blah blah blah.
Why do I have a feeling the relationship isn’t over since there’s 2 more books? I guess I have to read those now.. Ugh.
50 Shades was written as Twilight fan-fiction. Except I must admit- as horrible as Twilight is I actually enjoyed reading it more then I did this book. When I was reading Twilight I locked myself in my room for a month reading it. This book took me forever to finish
Do I recommend. I think it’s obvious that I do not.
Okay, so as much complaining as I do about boys, I`d just like to point out some shadyness that has been happening in the Ottawa Bitch community these days…
So before I go into details about this one, I`d just like to point out how Norah is horrible at storytelling. Jakob came into work today and was saying how he had a horrible night at Babs on Sunday, but that Norah could fill me in about it later. I finally remembered to ask her about it, this happened-
Norah: Okay so… (Takes like the biggest gulp ever out of a glass of water, stops, and then drinks again)
Me: Oh My God… Stop
Me: I’m waiting to hear this story and you wont stop drinking!
Norah: laughs.. continues to drink..
You see what I have to put up with??
So after about 40 years I finally found out what happened.. Jakob met a pretty girl at Babylon, they flirted, danced, generally had a good time, exchanged numbers. She went off to find her friends, whatever whatever. Then they run into each other outside and he asks her if she would like to go over to her place, then this happens-
Dumb bitch: Umm, I forgot I had boyfriend. LULZ sorry.. (or something along those lines)
Really! You FORGOT you had a boyfriend? It just slipped your mind? Apparently they are long distance. As someone who’s been in like 3 long distance relationships, I never once forgot I had a boyfriend. Why? BEcause they’re my boyfriend! And I loved them!
The sad part is this isn’t the first time this has happened to poor Jakob. You’ll find the girl of your dreams one day Jakob, I promise!!!
Okay so this story has 2 dumb bitches involved. This one girl I work with, Vanessa.. Dating a serious Mangina first of all. He walks her to work everyday, brings her coffee.. Okay so it probably sounds sweet to the outside perspective. But he does it in a more controlling I’m-watching-your-every-move type of way, trust me. And he is just all around terrible. Anyway’s, so the fact that he’s a Mangina aside, they’ve been dating for like a year, and live together, so it’s a pretty serious deal y’know?
So Vanessa and another co-worker Lacy went out a few weeks ago to Shameless at Babs. They’re like dancing and having a good time and whatevs, and Lacy tells me this happens-
Lacy: So this guy was like just dancing with us and had a serious hard-on for Vanessa. He was kinda creepy but pretty good looking.. She gave him his number.
Me: Why in the fuck would she give him her number?
Lacy: For me.
IOYRKJSHAKGDSURWKJHSD!!!! So here’s where we’re at-
Vanessa- Dumb bitch for giving some creeper her number when she already has a Mangina
Lacy: Dumb Bitch for Thinking that Van giving her digits to creeper means that she’ll somehow end up with the guy. If he wanted your number Lacy he would have asked for your number! This isn’t how it works..
Moving on to this past Sunday at Babylon for Mod Night… Norah informs me that creeper met up with Van and Lacy.. If anything happened I don’t know. But what I do know is that he obviously used her number and she obviously replied. And told him she’d be at babs. Not. Cool.
Moral of the story: Girls like attention. That’s why they do this dumb shit. It’s cool to want attention from other people when in a relationship. Some shameless flirtation will happen naturally and makes us feel good, especially when in a long distance relationship. But when someone asks for your number and you give it to them it’s giving that person false hope!! and you’re being a dumb bitch! Stop it now! Draw the line at shameless flirting, and call it a night. I don’t get you people.
Dear Loyal Readers (3 people),
I’ve just had a self awareness realization. Okay so it’s probably pretty obvious, but I actually can’t be with more then one person at a time…
So like I started “dating” this guy Mike, like 8-9 months ago. Casually. This is like the longest consecutive relationship I’ve been in a really long time, and he’s not actually my boyfriend. Only took me out on a real date once. All we do is get really drunk at Zaphods or Babs or wherever, and then he comes home with me. It’s my fault because I let it happen. But I actually haven’t seen him at all in record time- 1 month. Because I’ve been all like pssshhhttt whatevs dude I’m done dealing with your shit! Since “dating” him I haven’t even kissed another person.
But on the last night I saw him- Someone else caught my eye. Or my eye caught his depending on how you look at it.. My guilty pleasure crush, Marc, came up and started dancing with me. I’ve had a little crush on him for like over a year but he’s always had a gf so I didn’t touch that, but now he’s recently single! Since then we’ve seen eachother around and hooked up a few times. But he doesn’t want a relationship because he just got out of being in one for like 10 years and blah blah blah. yes ok I get it, it’s fine. I really like hanging out with him and he’s just the nicest guy, and he’s respectful of my feelings and is really open and honest, unlike someone else I know (Mike).
So now that I’ve started “seeing” Marc, I have no interest in Mike. Which is probably a good thing. Until tonight when Mike facebook chatted me (for the first time ever may I add) being all like “yo girl let me know if you need a drinking buddy this weekend” (not a direct quote). And I’m actually tempted.
Let me explain- Marc doesn’t want a relationship. So why am I only sleeping with him exclusively? I feel like I should try being with 2 people at once (not like a threesome sicko’s). Just because both these people don’t want a relationship, why will I only see one person exclusively when they are not even my boyfriend?
Is Mike’s sudden re-interest (or he’s probs just horny), just because I enjoy attention? Is there something wrong with me? Am I just horny? Should I just date both of them? Should I just stop seeing both of them and actually date someone who wants to be with me? Does that person exist? All of the above? Someone shoot me please?
Monogamy is a disease and I’ve been suffering from it since I’ve been 16. Someone give me an intervention. Or is okay that I’m like this?
Okay I’m shutting up now, seriously.
I was ready to all Hannah from Girls on Mike the next time I saw him, but now I’m not so sure…
1. I yelled from across the table while he was taking orders “Joelle! Bacon! remember you want bacon! BACON! BACON JOELLE!” and then Joelle yelled at me-
“IT ALREADY HAS BACON ON IT!”
(in my defence she told me numerous times to remind her to put bacon on her burger because last time she forgot. How was I supposed to know that it already had bacon on it?)
2. I starred at him seductively while eating my die cut fries, (Not intentional)
3. He walked up to the table as me an Lily were feeling each others hairy legs.
So it’s been 3 days since my date with dude-bro and I haven’t heard from him yet.
Apparently it’s too early to freak out, according to my friend Joelle I should wait 4 days before I start to freak out. Which means I can officially start freaking out tomorrow without getting judged (I know you’re all judging me anyways). Well it’s 12 minutes to midnight, so official freak out starts now. Unless he texts me within the next 10 minutes.
What do I do? I feel like if he wanted to see me again he would have texted me by now. And yes I am aware that I haven’t tried getting a hold of him… But I am horrible at making firsts moves and putting myself out there. Unless I’m horribly drunk. Which is something to consider…
Sometime’s in life.. I think to myself, What Would Madonna Do? Well I know her enough to know exactly what she would do. Anyone who’s seen “Truth or Dare” knows what she would do. She would try and get a hold of him and say “Listen dude-bro, if you don’t like me then fuck you, just tell me. And if you do then great but don’t waste my time with these games”. God I love that woman.
But seriously.. I’m sick of games, I hate feeling like I have to wait a certain amount of hours/days before I text/call/show up at their door, why can’t we just be like.. okay I like you, you like me let’s do this thang? Instead I have to be like, should I text him? Why hasn’t he texted me? Why doesn’t he like me? Am I ugly? Am I boring? Was I too awkward? See, Girl brains.
So tomorrow I will text him. I will get over being a little bitch and just do it. And if he turns me down.. Well I’ll probably lock myself in my room for a week watching a marathon of Sex and the City but eventually I’ll get over it. So I’ll text him, NOW WILL YOU PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!??? (And by people I mean the voices in my head).
Now for something completely different….
Saw the movie We Need to Talk about Kevin tonight..
You’re creepy as fuck and I want to make out with you.
Let’s be real.
The crop of eligible single men in this city is slim to none. From what I hear, there are 3 women to every man in Ottawa. Fair? Not really.
So after a year of being single and “casually dating” one person for 8 months, I finally scored a date with a very good looking guy, who has a job and doesn’t live with his parents…
First dates are always awkward, especially when you met the person at a bar and had a 10 minute conversation but can’t remember most of it because you were really, really drunk, ugh. I was only sure he was actually good looking after my friends confirmed it.
To my delight, he was still good looking. We met at a local Bridgehead for a casual meeting…
After all the initial small talk, I learned that we have the same taste in music, he likes yoga, is going to bonnaroo, and doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life despite having a stable job. Welcome to the club I say.
All in all t’was a lovely afternoon. Only hung out for an hour but s’cool. Then there’s the extra awkward of ending the date…
Him: It was fun getting to know you more
Me: Yeah definitely..
Him: Maybe do it again sometime
Me: Yeah… do you want to do it again sometime? (So.Not.Cool)
Him: Yeah, it’ll have to be this week though, then I’m leaving for 3 weeks.
Me: Okay cool, let me know. Byyyyeeeeeeee!!
Heh. If I didn’t scare him away with my awkwardness, hopefully we’ll hang out again!
Dating is bullshit.
Meanwhile in someone else’s lovelife…..
Later on back at home chillin’ with the roomie, Norah, who has been obsessing about a mystery man who she see’s on her smoking breaks outside of work. It’s been a few months now and she still hasn’t worked up the courage to say anything to him passed “can I borrow your lighter”. Apparently she has a plan for reeling him in.
Norah: I think I know how to get the man of my dreams to talk to me. I’ll carry a book around, and read it on my break and then he can ask me about it…. But then I guess it could backfire and he’d want to give me some privacy.
Me: … Or… you could just talk to him.
Norah: Ya but then that would make too much sense.
This is what our lives have become.